My Wild Woman

Morning. Solitary. Cat on porch. Sun outside before it gets hot.

Old Hagness stirs this and that, crumples my papers, snickers,

snorts, seems out of sorts, but no, she smiles, she is devious,

I know she is up to no good. "You keep ignoring me!" she grumps

and humps and shakes her nose, her eyes piercing into the innermost

hiddenest self I have. And I am at her mercy. "Hah! at my mercy!

I have no mercy! take that!" I sit back, take a sip of my coffee.

She snarls. She looks evil. She stirs this and that and I am

ill at ease. "Ill at ease!!! Good." she teases me I think

but I am not sure. She rustles my papers, stirs my mind,

my brain cells.  She gets right into my head, my heart,

and makes me shake, cringe, want to spit out all that is in me...

but I don't, I don't even write it out. I am frozen. "Well,

let's unfreeze you then!" the rough voice stirs me.

I am afraid, and sluggish, and know not what to make of it,

except that I am glad she is here, I am glad we will dig deep,

this morning, and extrude that thing that spreads through me,

that halts my energies, my actions, and starves for life.

I sit. She sits. Her face lightens, she thinks, she makes her brew,

yes always her brew, she grabs my cup, tosses my coffee,

and fills it with her own stinky brew, which she urges me to drink.

Against my will, I sip it. "Gulp it down" her hoarse whisper comes to me.

I shudder, and follow orders. Once down, it stops the bitterness,

there is an aftertaste of sweet, ever so sweet. I am afraid I'll fall asleep.

But she grabs and shakes me, and snarls ever so gently, like a big fat bear,

and I am in the bear cave, the sweet huge white bear, my friend of olden times.

I snuggle into her lap, safe in the dark solid walls of the cave. Peer out,

toward the lake, always the lake, the promise, the light. We sit,

there is no end to time, no limit to what we have. Endless, horizonless,

extended time melting into sky and water, light, soft light of the morning.

I dream. I am free. I love, am loved, in the lap of the Great Family. And it is

not my limited family, my family that I fear even as I love from time to time.

My ancestors, my grandparents, my aunts and cousins ... ... ... family friends,

yes we once had family friends, good friends ... ... ... the Great Big

White Bear, holds me and eases her hold, and I stretch, and Old Hagness

invites me to come with her, but I do not want to go, I want to stay

in the Lap of the Great White Bear longer, and she does not push me away,

and I meld into the soft darkness. I am alive. I feel energy pulsating

into me, through me, the earth energy, the earth that whispers, "I am the earth,

here in this cave, or in the city, or in far-away lands, I am the same earth,

the mother of all, I am soft or hard, cold or hot, dry or wet, I am the same earth."

I sit. And think and feel and ponder and let the world breathe me,

let the heart beat of the earth be my own heart beat. I absorb

the Great White Bear. We are one, we are two, we are same,

we are separate. And there is no difference. The earth breathes,

the heart of the earth beats the drum beats, I am, that is clear,

that is simple, that is all that is needed.  

The breeze of the morning brings clouds, and moisture, sun and rising dew,

clouds caress the earth in morning fog, in mystery. I sit. I am the not-I. Perhaps

that is the no-self of Zen. It does not matter what I call it, if I call it,

if I name. It is what it is. And the morning is gentle. So gentle.

Old Hagness is pleased with herself. She the morning "priest", the "shaman"

magician. She snorkels with laughter. Pleased with herself. So pleased.

She is not afraid to show her pleasure. "So, now you have had your morning treat,

now you are ready to work. Git, don't linger, don't dawdle."

But I do linger, I do dawdle, I do not want to leave this moment of magic.

"You cannot leave this moment of magic" she whispers "your life is magic,

you are magic, magic is inherent in your bones, your flesh, you breath."

At that, I cannot argue. I finish my coffee. And still am undecided

how to proceed.  Morning. Magic. Cool air. Cat on porch.

preciousqueentheodora III

6.7.12